Who is the 2011 Coachella NOS MONSTER!?!?!

NOS energy drinks hold 357 MG of caffeine. When microwaved, the liquid solution actually melts and destroyed ceramic plates! When consumed by a human, even just one can, you are committed to having an ulcer at some point in your life! Fortunately, for the 27 people residing at the Coachella NOS Estate in Palm Desert, California this past weekend, we had an unlimited supply, unlimited energy, unlimited drugs, and liquor! The effect of Fear and Loathing during our pot smoking adolescence has led us to a house of ultimate physical destruction and ultimate mental enlightenment. A place where masters of the silliness like the NOS Father could finally thrive as crazed loonies jabbering gibberish at the Statue of David’s dirty condom hanging from a limp stone wang!! This is not our first adventure of such desires. It was our sophomore year in such situations for my heterosexual life partner Julian Gavilanes and I, last year taking the word ‘Party’ to a new height. Yet, as true renaissance men we had to progress. On a level of 1-10, our goal this year was to reach a 13th level of rambunctiousness! Meaning that between Julian, Father NOS, and myself we would reach, yes, a 39!! We had to go further, harder, and sillier than ever before!

In the past year of 2010, a similar territory was created as a home when away from the Coachella Music Festival. Here I learned from ‘Father NOS’ the true effects of such a concoction. This energy drink does something beyond waking you up after your lunch break to make it through the rest of the work day. After consuming so much it changes you, it melts you, and births a new life form, an outcast, an alien, it transforms you into a ‘NOS Monster’! ‘Father NOS’ legally know as Aaron Glatzer, told us tales of years past, the mayhem he spread, and the powers that NOS can give you. Father NOS was the original NOS Monster, he has been so enlighten by NOS he doesn’t even drink it anymore… he eats it!! (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1593652139#!/video/video.php?v=10150552432230467) In the year of 2010, I, Styles Bentley became the NOS monster during the traditional episode of Cribs Coachella. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63Da3uCR8Xg)  And now, 2011, a new NOS Monster must be crowned!! But who would reach the new heights of silliness, perhaps perform a 14 on the silliness scale? We could only wait and see who the NOS would choose to posses.

The NOS Father, Aaron Glatzer, at
our Coachella NOS Estate.

 Newly a single man, Julian Gavilanes (yes, he’s single ladies) had a raging boner from the time we took our first shot of Tequila in the Alaskan Lodge at the Sea-Tac Airport Thursday morning at 6am. New to sexuality in the 21 century, Julian forgot to bring any “protection”, and realized this at the first sight of a girl in a bikini at the pool. Luckily, a local Flamingo was in town and purchased him a variety pack of condoms from the convenience store. The first night was unsuccessfully sexy for him. After the high consumption of booze and NOS I’m positive his penis was inoperable and a quarter inch in length. Despite his kebbler elf sized wang, Julian finished the first night with an epic 720 gainer off the diving board completely naked! He was not in control. NOS was.

The weekend continued and Julian’s condoms had not even been opened!! The second day of the concert, while walking the half mile from the parking lot to the festival, Allen Stone, (yes, of ‘Allen Stone Makes Dreams Come True’) noticed Julian with his hands down his pants following the group in an awkward wiggle. He approached and inquired the situation;
“Julian! What the Fuck are you doing?!”
“I’m putting on a condom!!” He replied.
“What! A condom? It’s 97 degrees, you don’t have a bonesie, and are definitely not about to have sexual relations?!” Then repeats,
“What the Fuck are you doing?!”
In passionate defense Julian states,
“Look man, I got my pink fanny pack, I got my wrist band, I got my tequila water bottles, my Dr. Pepper lip smackers, and I got a fucking condom on my little wankis, I mean FUCK! You never know what’s going to happen at Coachella!!”

Julain after attaching his limped wang condom.

No Julian, you never do know what’s going to happen! Like you probably didn’t think you would have given out 738 hugs, primarily to other men, you probably didn’t think you were going to spill a bottle of Tequila on your bloody cut and cracked feet burning them to all extremes, and you probably after 2 hours of wearing your condom at Coachella didn’t think it would fall off in the middle of the dance party to Yelle at the Mohave tent. Once you realized that a condom slid off your dick and out the bottom of your board shorts you continued to pick it up in excitement thinking it was money. Suddenly turning disgusted realizing you were picking up a condom off the ground, yet instantly again realizing it was your condom that fell off your limp dick making you completely giddy with pride that it stayed on your wang the entire time!! Then you smelled it!? Needless to say the levels of silliness were definitely hitting a 13!!

The final evening was upon us! To ensure our silliness level had hit a 13, the NOS Father, Julain, and I did the only thing we knew could spill us over the top. We started a skinny dipping swim session in our NOS Coachella Estate pool, the largest residential pool in the Palm Springs area!! We all jumped in with nothing but birthday suits, NOS, and booze! Feeling the water flow over our bodies was such relief after a treacherous weekend of molly, sassafras, cs2g5 or some crazy shit like that, cocaine, NOS, Don Q, Bud Light, marijuana cigarettes, Tequila, Vodka, laced sweet tarts, and some acid. As we all surfaced from our inaugural skinny dip jump, we realized that no others had followed. We were 3 silly boys, naked, in the poosie. Yes, my friends we had all reached a 13!! The rest of the night went as most do, sleepless, naked dance parties, the filming of the traditional cribs episode, drugs, liquor, NOS, NOS, NOS!!! At the end of the evening it was 7:20 in the morning. The sun was fully up in the sky as NOS Father, Julian, myself, Blakely, Deltron 3000, and some crazy chick Pierce brought over caught the first rays. Julian looked as though he was relieved. I asked him;
“Julian! What the Fuck are you doing?!”
He says,
“I was wearing my condom, and I had to pee… so I started peeing… then it filled up the condom until it exploded on my tummy all warm.” He replied in delighted abandon.
At that point it was clear and evident, that the Coachella NOS Estate would crown this year’s NOS Monster as JULIAN GAVILANES!!!! Congrats my heterosexual life partner, I love you, welcome once again to insanity!!

Kanye West finished the festival weekend with one of the most amazing live performances of all time, just as Julian performed with his highest levels of silliness at a 13!! “Can we get much higher” Kanye asks?! Yes, Mr. West , we can with the power of NOS, friends, love, and music…. So high. I will leave you all with the inspiration behind Julian’s condom wearing. Gabriel and Julian’s father Diego Gavilanes always told them as children…
“Boys! Muchachos! Remember to always wear protection, I’m wearing one right now!”
So let us all strap condoms on our limp penises and rejoice in the glory that is the 2011 NOS MONSTER, Julian Paul Gavilanes!

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